Hello to everyone. I hope you are all well!
I have been giving a lot of thought lately to the fact that I about bring up my children with no active father in their lives. I am a divorcee and I am not currently dating anyone nor am I interested in dating at the moment. My current situation makes me put off the idea of dating for a while at least. I have essentially been a single parent for more than 2 years and it does get draining. I do have some time to myself occasionally because my mom and siblings do enjoy my kids and help me with them to an extent. But basically I am doing the single mom thing. And if we are being completely honest, my ex-husband was not really as interested in them as we all wanted. He does call occasionally because he lives far away, and when he comes to visit he does do fun things with them but it is usually short and the kids are always left wanting.
I have spoken to him about this over and over again but recently came to the realization that I can never force him to be what we want him to be.. he is what he is.. and that is that. SO... it becomes a matter of me changing my point of view and picking up the pace on what I need to do for them to make sure they are happy and healthy. No child should have to want for attention when they need it. They are only little for so long and the reality is that they will be grown and set in their ways before you know it and if you don't fix things now.. when they forgive you easily and love you easily..how do you think you are going to make an adult stop and listen to why you weren't there for them. Why your relationship wasn't what it should be.
The cold and honest truth is.. you cant. Sometimes parent/child relationships are so damaged in the young years that they are never repaired. This was the case with me and my Father. When he died just over a year ago, I had not spoken to him since shortly after my wedding (which he was not invited to attend) and when he passed.. I went, mostly at the request of my Mom, whom I have a pretty good relationship with, and saw him. He was not able to speak back.. I'm not even sure he knew I was there.. but I was able to let go of a lot of the anger and hate that had built up inside of me from all of those years. I was able to forgive and relieve myself of the burden of all of that left over emotion.
I do not want this for my kids. I don't want an emotional hospital moment when all of this comes gushing out after being carried around for all those years. I wish I could help him understand all of this.
But.. facts being facts.. I cant. You can't change people who don't want to change. It is his relationship to have or not. It is his responsibility to himself and them. I think I have finally been able, after more than 12 years of doing it all, to set aside that responsibility and let it be just his.
Divorce is hard on everyone. Its hard on the kids, the parents, the grandparents and on down the family tree. Its one of those things that you cant control the reaction and you cant fix it all. Only time, respect and love can.
As for me.. I will be there all I can be.. I will do everything I can to help them through this. We are 1 year into this.. and we can do this. We are a team.. we always have been! So we will keep on keepin on!
I hope all of you have a fantastic week and please leave me comments on what you have found over the years either as a co-parent or a single one. Also, please leave me comments on what you would like to see me talk about in the future!
Thanks for reading!
xx Katie
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Saturday, June 18, 2011
How do you do it?
Hello all!
I always get that question... I say "Oh I have 4 kids!" They give me this look 0_0 or something similar then they say "OMG How do you do it??!!
I always give the same answer.. I know.. its cute.. you can tell me that later.. but here it is.. "I'll let you know when I figure it out!" I get the obligatory laugh and then we move on.
The truth is.. that is not just a cute answer.. its the TRUTH! I honestly could not tell you other than some basics how I get through each day with 4 kids attached to me for basically 24/7. Any SAHM will tell you that this is a simple truth. It does not matter if you go out without them.. you usually talk about your kids. It does not matter if they are in the same room or not.. you are always surrounded by them, their stuff and their sounds. It gets to you sometimes.. some days you are like... about to pull your hair out and other days you revel in it. You sit there in the pile of laundry and cry.. or you sit back and watch them attempt to drive mario and his friends around a track and dread the day you have to help them to learn to drive! (but you do smile that that day is a VERY long ways away.. or is it 0_0)
There are 3 small things I do every day that help me survive.. with at least partial sanity.. they are:
1. Schedule!! Even if your schedule is to play for 8 hours.. throw them food occasionally and then put them to bed whenever they finally shut down.. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT FROM YOUR DAY!!! That is the point! Even if you know it is going to be one of those endless summer days.. and you have no real plans.. YOU KNOW WHATS HAPPENING! My kids, especially during the school year are in bed at 8 (or they all were till my 10 yr old wrote a paper for her class and asked for an additional 30 to 60 mins before bedtime so she could have some "me time". So now she goes to bed at 9) and they get up at 630... all of them.. even the one not in school. They get up.. eat and get dressed.. and are out the door by 730. They get home at 230, do homework and then get to change into play clothes and, you guessed it, Play! Summer time means sleeping no later than 9.. everyone gets to pick 1 activity per day and meals are still at normal times but bedtime is backed up to 9 with a proviso for if they want to watch a movie or something. But.. there is always a plan.. there is always a schedule!
2. Give in once in a while. You know what I mean.. your kids are like "Please please please please" and you have held firm in your "NO!" up till now.. but now .. someone has done something awesome and you want to reward them. Of course you know what they want.. they have been begging for weeks.. so.. "SURPRISE!!" that thing I said no to 1000000000 times.. I am now saying YES to! Enjoy it while it lasts.. 'cause baby.. it is not going to last long!
3. Be FIRM, CONSISTENT.. but.. KIND!For me.. being firm keeps you in control. Yesterday at a party, my kids were attacking a friends brother (he was ok with it for a while.. but then he was done) and I walked up.. said "Ok guys, Thats ENOUGH! Lets get of him NOW and go play elsewhere!" All the kids (including about 5 that were not mine) all climbed off him and went and found something else to do. He was like.. "WOW.. you have GOT to teach me that one!" I told him.. "Stick around.. you may learn something!" He swears it's mind control.. I tell him.. Firm.. and consistent. It's a truth! If your kids know what you expect of them and you dont waver in that, they will go out of their way to make you happy. Kids want their parents to be happy because happy parents means more fun for them. A happy parent is more likely to pull a #2 than remind them of #1 where #2 is not in the plan! (reading back that last line didn't sound right in my internal monologue.. but we are all adults here right {bring on the giggles})
So.. if you follow these 3 steps.. you might.. just might.. make it through your kids childhood. I by no means guarantee that you are any closer to surviving teenagers.. but.. from birth to about 12ish (depending on your child) you MIGHT make it through!
There will always be things that work or don't work with your kids. There will always be trial and error with kids. Having kids is a learning process.. one that you both learn from and it can be scary and fun and awesome and awful. These are the things I have learned in nearly 11 years of being a mom and I'm sure that moms that have been at it longer can help you too. Never be afraid to ask another mom what works. You may get a load of garbage.. or you may get that gem of an idea that makes your life sooooo much easier!
Leave me your comments on what works/doesn't work for you and tell me what you would like me to talk about in the next blog. I will be posting a few times a week and really would love some feedback!
Take care, God bless and ttyl!
Katie
I always get that question... I say "Oh I have 4 kids!" They give me this look 0_0 or something similar then they say "OMG How do you do it??!!
I always give the same answer.. I know.. its cute.. you can tell me that later.. but here it is.. "I'll let you know when I figure it out!" I get the obligatory laugh and then we move on.
The truth is.. that is not just a cute answer.. its the TRUTH! I honestly could not tell you other than some basics how I get through each day with 4 kids attached to me for basically 24/7. Any SAHM will tell you that this is a simple truth. It does not matter if you go out without them.. you usually talk about your kids. It does not matter if they are in the same room or not.. you are always surrounded by them, their stuff and their sounds. It gets to you sometimes.. some days you are like... about to pull your hair out and other days you revel in it. You sit there in the pile of laundry and cry.. or you sit back and watch them attempt to drive mario and his friends around a track and dread the day you have to help them to learn to drive! (but you do smile that that day is a VERY long ways away.. or is it 0_0)
There are 3 small things I do every day that help me survive.. with at least partial sanity.. they are:
1. Schedule!! Even if your schedule is to play for 8 hours.. throw them food occasionally and then put them to bed whenever they finally shut down.. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT FROM YOUR DAY!!! That is the point! Even if you know it is going to be one of those endless summer days.. and you have no real plans.. YOU KNOW WHATS HAPPENING! My kids, especially during the school year are in bed at 8 (or they all were till my 10 yr old wrote a paper for her class and asked for an additional 30 to 60 mins before bedtime so she could have some "me time". So now she goes to bed at 9) and they get up at 630... all of them.. even the one not in school. They get up.. eat and get dressed.. and are out the door by 730. They get home at 230, do homework and then get to change into play clothes and, you guessed it, Play! Summer time means sleeping no later than 9.. everyone gets to pick 1 activity per day and meals are still at normal times but bedtime is backed up to 9 with a proviso for if they want to watch a movie or something. But.. there is always a plan.. there is always a schedule!
2. Give in once in a while. You know what I mean.. your kids are like "Please please please please" and you have held firm in your "NO!" up till now.. but now .. someone has done something awesome and you want to reward them. Of course you know what they want.. they have been begging for weeks.. so.. "SURPRISE!!" that thing I said no to 1000000000 times.. I am now saying YES to! Enjoy it while it lasts.. 'cause baby.. it is not going to last long!
3. Be FIRM, CONSISTENT.. but.. KIND!For me.. being firm keeps you in control. Yesterday at a party, my kids were attacking a friends brother (he was ok with it for a while.. but then he was done) and I walked up.. said "Ok guys, Thats ENOUGH! Lets get of him NOW and go play elsewhere!" All the kids (including about 5 that were not mine) all climbed off him and went and found something else to do. He was like.. "WOW.. you have GOT to teach me that one!" I told him.. "Stick around.. you may learn something!" He swears it's mind control.. I tell him.. Firm.. and consistent. It's a truth! If your kids know what you expect of them and you dont waver in that, they will go out of their way to make you happy. Kids want their parents to be happy because happy parents means more fun for them. A happy parent is more likely to pull a #2 than remind them of #1 where #2 is not in the plan! (reading back that last line didn't sound right in my internal monologue.. but we are all adults here right {bring on the giggles})
So.. if you follow these 3 steps.. you might.. just might.. make it through your kids childhood. I by no means guarantee that you are any closer to surviving teenagers.. but.. from birth to about 12ish (depending on your child) you MIGHT make it through!
There will always be things that work or don't work with your kids. There will always be trial and error with kids. Having kids is a learning process.. one that you both learn from and it can be scary and fun and awesome and awful. These are the things I have learned in nearly 11 years of being a mom and I'm sure that moms that have been at it longer can help you too. Never be afraid to ask another mom what works. You may get a load of garbage.. or you may get that gem of an idea that makes your life sooooo much easier!
Leave me your comments on what works/doesn't work for you and tell me what you would like me to talk about in the next blog. I will be posting a few times a week and really would love some feedback!
Take care, God bless and ttyl!
Katie
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