I am proud to say I am a friend to many. Very proud. I can happily say I have friends all over the world. Some I have hugged and some I have not. I have internet friends and mom friends, childhood friends and adult friends. I have many kinds of friends.
I can also say, not so proudly, that I have dated a lot recently. In the past few years I have been on more first dates than I care to mention. 99% of them have ended with the semi-sad fact that I am not what they are looking for or what they expected.
And that is ok. Completely ok! I am confidant in who I am as a person and I do not need to be what they think I should be just to hang on to them for a longer period of time.
But today I found myself thinking about what I was going to wear out over the weekend so that I could perhaps attract some attention. I have been buying more bright colors and while I buy them for my own pleasure and because I am a bit sick of the chubby girl 3 (Black red and gray) I know I have also been buying them to gain a bit more attention of the folks I might care to get to know better. And this thought occurred to me when I was in the shower tonight.
We all do that to an extent. We buy things and do things that we know will attract the eye or ear of others. We laugh a bit louder than we might have otherwise. We try a new perfume or cologne. We get a new haircut. We buy a new outfit. And all of that is fine, as long as we know where the line is drawn.
When I was a military spouse, there was an expectation. You should dress appropriately and neatly. I was good at that. Hair neat, makeup minimal, clothes nice but not too nice and colorful but not too colorful.
The thing is, under all of the weight of those expectations, are we being true to ourselves? How can we be sure that we are?
As a parent, I know that I want my kids to try to be whatever they want to be an whomever they want to be. I want them to grow in confidence of their abilities and I want them to keep trying when others doubt. But do I do that myself? Do I lead by example?
People at church expect me to be one way. Super volunteer is usually part of it. People at work expect me to be another way. (Big mean banker lady) Old friends want me to be how they remembered and new ones take that first impression and kinda pin it on for keeps. I would say of all of those things apply.. I am many of them. I am many things to many people. I am a shoulder to cry on, an ear that listens, a person that tells it like it is. I am snarky and sassy and I am friendly and fun. I am all of these things. And sometimes people only see one of them and sometimes, once in a while, they are lucky enough to know all of the sides of me. And that is me being me.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Sick days and little successes.
So much has changed in the months since I started working outside of the home. Work is great and I am finding new ways of getting out for some adult time. And that is important. It was something I never did when I was first divorced. It was something I rarely did (other than official AF functions) when I was married. I do get out though and it is worth it to make that time and hire the sitter even though it does take away from what time I do have with the kids.
But today I am home.. sick and sore. I truly hate days like this because I am a very active person. I like to be busy. I HATE being sloth. I move at the speed of "What's next?" to quote my favorite tv show.(Bonus points for if you can name the show in the comments)
My weekend consisted of dress shopping for my littler girl and assembling furniture for the patio. I love it and it was worth it..but dang.. I am paying today. Sore. and to top it off... having major tummy troubles.. to the point my cube mates could hear them........... Yeah.... soak that one in for a moment.
Moving on. Sick days have certainly changed! I have 6 through the year.. and the kids.. wellllll. That is where we hit a wall. Until a few weeks ago, I could count on my mom to watch them if needed. I also have several SAHMs that are willing to step in as well where needed. Single parenting has taught me many things and one of those things is plan ahead and plan often. Contingency plans on top of contingency plans. And it has worked well for me so far. I have a list of sitters for adult nights out that do not mind spending the night and being dropped off wherever needed in the morning and a list for those days when a fever spikes or a tummy is upset.
That is one of those things I think should be taught more by our parents. I know my daughters and I spend time talking about the fact that, if something does not work out at first, you have to move ahead and try the next thing. Hopefully that serves them well. If at first you don't succeed, try try again!
And that is something else we have to remind ourselves and our kids. You are not always going to succeed..but you should never stop trying. Even when you feel beaten down and put upon. Even when you feel like you have given your all and you still have not won. And maybe even when you have had someone let you down, hurt you, or even abandon you. You cannot quit. You have to go on. You have to keep trying. For ever door that closes, a window opens. For every dark cloud, a silver lining. For every evil, something good emerges.
And so, as my stomach has let me down today, I have pressed on, written this blog, searched for things and finalized my plans for the garden. And tomorrow I will get up and try to go to work again. Maybe this time, I will succeed.
Much love xx
But today I am home.. sick and sore. I truly hate days like this because I am a very active person. I like to be busy. I HATE being sloth. I move at the speed of "What's next?" to quote my favorite tv show.(Bonus points for if you can name the show in the comments)
My weekend consisted of dress shopping for my littler girl and assembling furniture for the patio. I love it and it was worth it..but dang.. I am paying today. Sore. and to top it off... having major tummy troubles.. to the point my cube mates could hear them........... Yeah.... soak that one in for a moment.
Moving on. Sick days have certainly changed! I have 6 through the year.. and the kids.. wellllll. That is where we hit a wall. Until a few weeks ago, I could count on my mom to watch them if needed. I also have several SAHMs that are willing to step in as well where needed. Single parenting has taught me many things and one of those things is plan ahead and plan often. Contingency plans on top of contingency plans. And it has worked well for me so far. I have a list of sitters for adult nights out that do not mind spending the night and being dropped off wherever needed in the morning and a list for those days when a fever spikes or a tummy is upset.
That is one of those things I think should be taught more by our parents. I know my daughters and I spend time talking about the fact that, if something does not work out at first, you have to move ahead and try the next thing. Hopefully that serves them well. If at first you don't succeed, try try again!
And that is something else we have to remind ourselves and our kids. You are not always going to succeed..but you should never stop trying. Even when you feel beaten down and put upon. Even when you feel like you have given your all and you still have not won. And maybe even when you have had someone let you down, hurt you, or even abandon you. You cannot quit. You have to go on. You have to keep trying. For ever door that closes, a window opens. For every dark cloud, a silver lining. For every evil, something good emerges.
And so, as my stomach has let me down today, I have pressed on, written this blog, searched for things and finalized my plans for the garden. And tomorrow I will get up and try to go to work again. Maybe this time, I will succeed.
Much love xx
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Changing titles SAHM to SWM
Well, a few months ago I finally did the thing I did not think I wanted to do nor thought I even could do... I got a full time job! I really lucked out as I asked some friends if they knew of anyone hiring and I almost immediately got asked to apply for a job at a large local bank that I think anyone could recognize but I will not say exactly which one.. just to keep things on the up and up. So now I work in front of a computer all day and honestly I am very very happy! I work with great people and I laugh every day. But... I was thinking about it the other day and.. well I am no longer in that awesome club.. the SAHM Stay At Home Moms. I am now a Single Working Mother. It used to terrify me when I would think about being one of those working moms. Would my kids miss me? Would I screw them up because I was not there every moment? What if someone gets sick?
Well.. each and every one of these things has come up. Several times I have had to rely on other people to pick one of them up from school or stay with them because of a snow day that they had but I did not or because one of them got sick or whatever. And it all worked out. Am I busier? Heck yes! Is the house a bit messier? Ummm.. I plead the 5th on that one (YES) Do we have times when the kids say they miss me when I am not home when they get home? Absolutely! Do I miss getting them off to school in the mornings and snuggling their warm little selves when they just wake up? Yes, but I get my weekends and it makes me appreciate those moments even more.
And I do find that now we spend more time together on the weekends. We clean together and go outside together and we have more money to go do fun things so not every weekend is spent sitting looking at the wall like we once did. The flip side is that homework is sometimes not finished till right before bedtime because someone or another needed help and I was not home yet. And laundry is almost never caught up. And there are nearly always dishes in the sink. But again.. I would say we are doing pretty darn good for the amount of time I have been working now.
So to all of those moms who went back to work when their babies were tiny and to the ones who waited for the day after kindergarten.. I appreciate how much of a sacrifice that is for you. And I know you are doing it for them just as much as you do it for you. And to all those lucky moms (that I was glad to be one of for years and years) who get to be there for every wake up and goodnight.. hang onto those moments for all of us moms who can't.
Love you all xx
Well.. each and every one of these things has come up. Several times I have had to rely on other people to pick one of them up from school or stay with them because of a snow day that they had but I did not or because one of them got sick or whatever. And it all worked out. Am I busier? Heck yes! Is the house a bit messier? Ummm.. I plead the 5th on that one (YES) Do we have times when the kids say they miss me when I am not home when they get home? Absolutely! Do I miss getting them off to school in the mornings and snuggling their warm little selves when they just wake up? Yes, but I get my weekends and it makes me appreciate those moments even more.
And I do find that now we spend more time together on the weekends. We clean together and go outside together and we have more money to go do fun things so not every weekend is spent sitting looking at the wall like we once did. The flip side is that homework is sometimes not finished till right before bedtime because someone or another needed help and I was not home yet. And laundry is almost never caught up. And there are nearly always dishes in the sink. But again.. I would say we are doing pretty darn good for the amount of time I have been working now.
So to all of those moms who went back to work when their babies were tiny and to the ones who waited for the day after kindergarten.. I appreciate how much of a sacrifice that is for you. And I know you are doing it for them just as much as you do it for you. And to all those lucky moms (that I was glad to be one of for years and years) who get to be there for every wake up and goodnight.. hang onto those moments for all of us moms who can't.
Love you all xx
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Single Mommying and Dating dilemma
I have found, in this long absence from blogger, that I need something like this. So now that I have a reliable computer back and I don't have to worry about losing a post 2/3 of the way through, I am going to try again.
I have always thought that being a single parent was preferable to living in a marriage that is not worth the paper you both signed. I continue to hold on to this thought as I reach the 3 year mark. 3 years ago this coming November, my now Ex-Husband asked me for the divorce. We had been apart because of his PCS to South Korea for the second time and he was looking forward to moving overseas again when that year was up. We were 6 months in, barely talking 2x a week and I knew something was going to happen. But when that happened I was stunned. I did not know what to do next. For the first few days I walked around and just asked myself what was going on! Was this what my life and the past 10 years of it had been leading up to? Was it all my fault? Was I not supportive enough? And so on it went for a long time. I felt abandoned, betrayed and so very hurt. But as the weeks went on and not long after this I lost my Dad who had not been part of my life in those 10 years, I found myself comforted by the fact that, while I was going to be alone with the kids, I would be WITH my kids! They were mine and he was not even attempting to talk to them or anything. As the silence stretched between us and the papers flowed between our lawyers I found more and more comfort in the simple things the kids found joyful.
Now that I am so far away from that immediate pain and shock, I can see how blessed I am. And while each day is a challenge and some days I don't even want to get up, each one of them has been worth it. I am so glad for those 10 years and those 4 blessings I got from them. I was laughing when one of my friends told me I am halfway though parenting! (my oldest is 12 and the youngest is 6 so in 12 years the youngest will move out and go to college) I told her that I would never be done parenting, it is a life sentence that I will gladly serve.
Now on to the other point from the title.... WOWZERS is dating HARD!!!
I do not think that I have ever in my life met so many wretched writers, spellers, and punctuation users! The abuse of the English language and their lack of proof reading is so painful for me! I know that sounds snobbish but GOODNESS!! It does not take much to hit the spell check button!! I don't think they know what any of these symbols are (.,"':;?/) but they sure know this one (!!!!)
I can tell you that I have seen more evidence of mouth breathers on these dating sites than I ever thought existed! I joined a few now as I am told it is the way to go and to be honest.. I am getting far too old for the bar scene. I am sure that there, somewhere, as I slog through the awful grammar, poor spelling and simply thoughtless posts (I got one message with 4 spelling mistakes and 3 punctuation problems in a 3 sentence message) that one of these examples of the male personality will jump out and grasp me. However I am finding that, because of my multitude of minors, not as many are interested. And that is ok! I want the guy who wants to spend time with me and with them. Not them right away, but someday I want to have regular sex again (Dear God.. do you hear me??) and all that comes with that sort of relationship.
I just hope to be the person that can be both a good girlfriend (anyone else feel juvenile when using boyfriend/girlfriend? We need to make up a new word for it!) as well as a good Mom. It is the balancing act that I look forward to tackling in the future!
I have always thought that being a single parent was preferable to living in a marriage that is not worth the paper you both signed. I continue to hold on to this thought as I reach the 3 year mark. 3 years ago this coming November, my now Ex-Husband asked me for the divorce. We had been apart because of his PCS to South Korea for the second time and he was looking forward to moving overseas again when that year was up. We were 6 months in, barely talking 2x a week and I knew something was going to happen. But when that happened I was stunned. I did not know what to do next. For the first few days I walked around and just asked myself what was going on! Was this what my life and the past 10 years of it had been leading up to? Was it all my fault? Was I not supportive enough? And so on it went for a long time. I felt abandoned, betrayed and so very hurt. But as the weeks went on and not long after this I lost my Dad who had not been part of my life in those 10 years, I found myself comforted by the fact that, while I was going to be alone with the kids, I would be WITH my kids! They were mine and he was not even attempting to talk to them or anything. As the silence stretched between us and the papers flowed between our lawyers I found more and more comfort in the simple things the kids found joyful.
Now that I am so far away from that immediate pain and shock, I can see how blessed I am. And while each day is a challenge and some days I don't even want to get up, each one of them has been worth it. I am so glad for those 10 years and those 4 blessings I got from them. I was laughing when one of my friends told me I am halfway though parenting! (my oldest is 12 and the youngest is 6 so in 12 years the youngest will move out and go to college) I told her that I would never be done parenting, it is a life sentence that I will gladly serve.
Now on to the other point from the title.... WOWZERS is dating HARD!!!
I do not think that I have ever in my life met so many wretched writers, spellers, and punctuation users! The abuse of the English language and their lack of proof reading is so painful for me! I know that sounds snobbish but GOODNESS!! It does not take much to hit the spell check button!! I don't think they know what any of these symbols are (.,"':;?/) but they sure know this one (!!!!)
I can tell you that I have seen more evidence of mouth breathers on these dating sites than I ever thought existed! I joined a few now as I am told it is the way to go and to be honest.. I am getting far too old for the bar scene. I am sure that there, somewhere, as I slog through the awful grammar, poor spelling and simply thoughtless posts (I got one message with 4 spelling mistakes and 3 punctuation problems in a 3 sentence message) that one of these examples of the male personality will jump out and grasp me. However I am finding that, because of my multitude of minors, not as many are interested. And that is ok! I want the guy who wants to spend time with me and with them. Not them right away, but someday I want to have regular sex again (Dear God.. do you hear me??) and all that comes with that sort of relationship.
I just hope to be the person that can be both a good girlfriend (anyone else feel juvenile when using boyfriend/girlfriend? We need to make up a new word for it!) as well as a good Mom. It is the balancing act that I look forward to tackling in the future!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
That major day.
Hey everyone,
I hope that you all had a great 4th of July with your family and celebrated independence in your own way. Me, I made that decision and took the kids, plus another family that is very dear friends of ours, to the huge goings on down in Pittsburgh, Pa-The 3 Rivers Regatta!
Now I know what you are thinking.. are you kidding me?? You took 7 kids (I have 4 my friends have 3) with just 3 adults to one of the largest gatherings of the year in Pittsburgh? Yep.. we sure did! If you are afraid of taking your kids out in public, when are you ever going to get to see them experience things for the first time?? I ask you this... If you had the chance to see your kids smile, complain, leap with joy and giggle with friends, get soaked..twice.. and watch one of the most amazing fireworks display in all of the eastern seaboard.. WHY WOULDN'T YOU!! For me, crowds are scary things. You never know who is lurking inside of them. BUT at the same time.. there are several hundred police and security people posted all over the area and they are Pittsburgers.. so I tend to worry less with that combo. My friends grew up in New York.. right in the Bronx.. so when I told them we would take a picnic.. and leave it in one place all day.. and no one would bother it.. they were amazed! But I told them.. that is what the 'burgh is all about! You can strike up a conversation with a Pittsburgher any day about just about anything and boy will we talk back. I found more 'burgh people when I lived away from here than I ever expected! We live everywhere over the world.. but the 'burgh is always home.
But I digress. Back to the large, crowded event.. many children and.. yes.. a huge thunderstorm. We got there, ate and chilled a bit, watched the boat race starting and wandered.. amid thousands of others who were doing the same thing. We played in the fountain near PNC Park.. we got face painting and walked across bridges. We showed them just what our city was made of and they LOVED IT! The kids stayed together.. they were good (for the most part.. what kid is perfect in the heat and then rain and with all that activity going around) we did get drenched in a storm (Thank you @WPXI_WX_Scott for all of your help!! LOVE YOU!) but we had extra clothes in the car so we missed the second drenching while we were changing. We ran into friends ( and I kept telling my friend from out of town that Pittsburgh is just one big small town 'cause its true!) and hung with them. We even sat with other friends for fireworks ( and I tried to hog their baby.. but my oldest daughter did more of the hogging than I did ) and we truly had a great day. The traffic wasn't even so bad!
I guess what I am trying to say is.. DON'T BE AFRAID of crowds and people and huge events with kids! Embrace them! The friend with the baby came with just her and hubby and 3 kids under 3!!! That's bravery! But they had a good time and made a point to enjoy themselves! If you are debating on some event to go to this summer.. dont debate.. DO IT! You may be stressed by the end of the day but I promise you.. that stress will melt away when you look back and remember their smiles.. or in a few months when you look back at your pictures.. all you will see is the good that happened. You won't remember that K ran off and you had to go searching for her or that E walked away so many times you finally wrote your cell number in sharpie on his arm because you just knew if you didn't.. he would escape and really get lost. You will remember the fun. and the smiles.. and the great time had by all!
Please let me know if you have or have not had a time like this. Are you still delaying on that big event that is coming up? Are you an old vet like me who drags their kids with them everywhere because you are going to squeeze ever drop of fun you can out of summer? Or have you been scarred by some event in the past and will never try till your kids are older? Please post a comment. I would love to know what it was like for you!
If you have any ideas for future blogs, let me know! I would be happy to write about my experiences and what I've done in the past and what I plan to do in the future (I'm honestly afraid of my child becoming a teen!) Thanks for reading! Please rate and comment!
xx Katie
I hope that you all had a great 4th of July with your family and celebrated independence in your own way. Me, I made that decision and took the kids, plus another family that is very dear friends of ours, to the huge goings on down in Pittsburgh, Pa-The 3 Rivers Regatta!
Now I know what you are thinking.. are you kidding me?? You took 7 kids (I have 4 my friends have 3) with just 3 adults to one of the largest gatherings of the year in Pittsburgh? Yep.. we sure did! If you are afraid of taking your kids out in public, when are you ever going to get to see them experience things for the first time?? I ask you this... If you had the chance to see your kids smile, complain, leap with joy and giggle with friends, get soaked..twice.. and watch one of the most amazing fireworks display in all of the eastern seaboard.. WHY WOULDN'T YOU!! For me, crowds are scary things. You never know who is lurking inside of them. BUT at the same time.. there are several hundred police and security people posted all over the area and they are Pittsburgers.. so I tend to worry less with that combo. My friends grew up in New York.. right in the Bronx.. so when I told them we would take a picnic.. and leave it in one place all day.. and no one would bother it.. they were amazed! But I told them.. that is what the 'burgh is all about! You can strike up a conversation with a Pittsburgher any day about just about anything and boy will we talk back. I found more 'burgh people when I lived away from here than I ever expected! We live everywhere over the world.. but the 'burgh is always home.
But I digress. Back to the large, crowded event.. many children and.. yes.. a huge thunderstorm. We got there, ate and chilled a bit, watched the boat race starting and wandered.. amid thousands of others who were doing the same thing. We played in the fountain near PNC Park.. we got face painting and walked across bridges. We showed them just what our city was made of and they LOVED IT! The kids stayed together.. they were good (for the most part.. what kid is perfect in the heat and then rain and with all that activity going around) we did get drenched in a storm (Thank you @WPXI_WX_Scott for all of your help!! LOVE YOU!) but we had extra clothes in the car so we missed the second drenching while we were changing. We ran into friends ( and I kept telling my friend from out of town that Pittsburgh is just one big small town 'cause its true!) and hung with them. We even sat with other friends for fireworks ( and I tried to hog their baby.. but my oldest daughter did more of the hogging than I did ) and we truly had a great day. The traffic wasn't even so bad!
I guess what I am trying to say is.. DON'T BE AFRAID of crowds and people and huge events with kids! Embrace them! The friend with the baby came with just her and hubby and 3 kids under 3!!! That's bravery! But they had a good time and made a point to enjoy themselves! If you are debating on some event to go to this summer.. dont debate.. DO IT! You may be stressed by the end of the day but I promise you.. that stress will melt away when you look back and remember their smiles.. or in a few months when you look back at your pictures.. all you will see is the good that happened. You won't remember that K ran off and you had to go searching for her or that E walked away so many times you finally wrote your cell number in sharpie on his arm because you just knew if you didn't.. he would escape and really get lost. You will remember the fun. and the smiles.. and the great time had by all!
Please let me know if you have or have not had a time like this. Are you still delaying on that big event that is coming up? Are you an old vet like me who drags their kids with them everywhere because you are going to squeeze ever drop of fun you can out of summer? Or have you been scarred by some event in the past and will never try till your kids are older? Please post a comment. I would love to know what it was like for you!
If you have any ideas for future blogs, let me know! I would be happy to write about my experiences and what I've done in the past and what I plan to do in the future (I'm honestly afraid of my child becoming a teen!) Thanks for reading! Please rate and comment!
xx Katie
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Finding my footing
Hello to everyone. I hope you are all well!
I have been giving a lot of thought lately to the fact that I about bring up my children with no active father in their lives. I am a divorcee and I am not currently dating anyone nor am I interested in dating at the moment. My current situation makes me put off the idea of dating for a while at least. I have essentially been a single parent for more than 2 years and it does get draining. I do have some time to myself occasionally because my mom and siblings do enjoy my kids and help me with them to an extent. But basically I am doing the single mom thing. And if we are being completely honest, my ex-husband was not really as interested in them as we all wanted. He does call occasionally because he lives far away, and when he comes to visit he does do fun things with them but it is usually short and the kids are always left wanting.
I have spoken to him about this over and over again but recently came to the realization that I can never force him to be what we want him to be.. he is what he is.. and that is that. SO... it becomes a matter of me changing my point of view and picking up the pace on what I need to do for them to make sure they are happy and healthy. No child should have to want for attention when they need it. They are only little for so long and the reality is that they will be grown and set in their ways before you know it and if you don't fix things now.. when they forgive you easily and love you easily..how do you think you are going to make an adult stop and listen to why you weren't there for them. Why your relationship wasn't what it should be.
The cold and honest truth is.. you cant. Sometimes parent/child relationships are so damaged in the young years that they are never repaired. This was the case with me and my Father. When he died just over a year ago, I had not spoken to him since shortly after my wedding (which he was not invited to attend) and when he passed.. I went, mostly at the request of my Mom, whom I have a pretty good relationship with, and saw him. He was not able to speak back.. I'm not even sure he knew I was there.. but I was able to let go of a lot of the anger and hate that had built up inside of me from all of those years. I was able to forgive and relieve myself of the burden of all of that left over emotion.
I do not want this for my kids. I don't want an emotional hospital moment when all of this comes gushing out after being carried around for all those years. I wish I could help him understand all of this.
But.. facts being facts.. I cant. You can't change people who don't want to change. It is his relationship to have or not. It is his responsibility to himself and them. I think I have finally been able, after more than 12 years of doing it all, to set aside that responsibility and let it be just his.
Divorce is hard on everyone. Its hard on the kids, the parents, the grandparents and on down the family tree. Its one of those things that you cant control the reaction and you cant fix it all. Only time, respect and love can.
As for me.. I will be there all I can be.. I will do everything I can to help them through this. We are 1 year into this.. and we can do this. We are a team.. we always have been! So we will keep on keepin on!
I hope all of you have a fantastic week and please leave me comments on what you have found over the years either as a co-parent or a single one. Also, please leave me comments on what you would like to see me talk about in the future!
Thanks for reading!
xx Katie
I have been giving a lot of thought lately to the fact that I about bring up my children with no active father in their lives. I am a divorcee and I am not currently dating anyone nor am I interested in dating at the moment. My current situation makes me put off the idea of dating for a while at least. I have essentially been a single parent for more than 2 years and it does get draining. I do have some time to myself occasionally because my mom and siblings do enjoy my kids and help me with them to an extent. But basically I am doing the single mom thing. And if we are being completely honest, my ex-husband was not really as interested in them as we all wanted. He does call occasionally because he lives far away, and when he comes to visit he does do fun things with them but it is usually short and the kids are always left wanting.
I have spoken to him about this over and over again but recently came to the realization that I can never force him to be what we want him to be.. he is what he is.. and that is that. SO... it becomes a matter of me changing my point of view and picking up the pace on what I need to do for them to make sure they are happy and healthy. No child should have to want for attention when they need it. They are only little for so long and the reality is that they will be grown and set in their ways before you know it and if you don't fix things now.. when they forgive you easily and love you easily..how do you think you are going to make an adult stop and listen to why you weren't there for them. Why your relationship wasn't what it should be.
The cold and honest truth is.. you cant. Sometimes parent/child relationships are so damaged in the young years that they are never repaired. This was the case with me and my Father. When he died just over a year ago, I had not spoken to him since shortly after my wedding (which he was not invited to attend) and when he passed.. I went, mostly at the request of my Mom, whom I have a pretty good relationship with, and saw him. He was not able to speak back.. I'm not even sure he knew I was there.. but I was able to let go of a lot of the anger and hate that had built up inside of me from all of those years. I was able to forgive and relieve myself of the burden of all of that left over emotion.
I do not want this for my kids. I don't want an emotional hospital moment when all of this comes gushing out after being carried around for all those years. I wish I could help him understand all of this.
But.. facts being facts.. I cant. You can't change people who don't want to change. It is his relationship to have or not. It is his responsibility to himself and them. I think I have finally been able, after more than 12 years of doing it all, to set aside that responsibility and let it be just his.
Divorce is hard on everyone. Its hard on the kids, the parents, the grandparents and on down the family tree. Its one of those things that you cant control the reaction and you cant fix it all. Only time, respect and love can.
As for me.. I will be there all I can be.. I will do everything I can to help them through this. We are 1 year into this.. and we can do this. We are a team.. we always have been! So we will keep on keepin on!
I hope all of you have a fantastic week and please leave me comments on what you have found over the years either as a co-parent or a single one. Also, please leave me comments on what you would like to see me talk about in the future!
Thanks for reading!
xx Katie
Saturday, June 18, 2011
How do you do it?
Hello all!
I always get that question... I say "Oh I have 4 kids!" They give me this look 0_0 or something similar then they say "OMG How do you do it??!!
I always give the same answer.. I know.. its cute.. you can tell me that later.. but here it is.. "I'll let you know when I figure it out!" I get the obligatory laugh and then we move on.
The truth is.. that is not just a cute answer.. its the TRUTH! I honestly could not tell you other than some basics how I get through each day with 4 kids attached to me for basically 24/7. Any SAHM will tell you that this is a simple truth. It does not matter if you go out without them.. you usually talk about your kids. It does not matter if they are in the same room or not.. you are always surrounded by them, their stuff and their sounds. It gets to you sometimes.. some days you are like... about to pull your hair out and other days you revel in it. You sit there in the pile of laundry and cry.. or you sit back and watch them attempt to drive mario and his friends around a track and dread the day you have to help them to learn to drive! (but you do smile that that day is a VERY long ways away.. or is it 0_0)
There are 3 small things I do every day that help me survive.. with at least partial sanity.. they are:
1. Schedule!! Even if your schedule is to play for 8 hours.. throw them food occasionally and then put them to bed whenever they finally shut down.. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT FROM YOUR DAY!!! That is the point! Even if you know it is going to be one of those endless summer days.. and you have no real plans.. YOU KNOW WHATS HAPPENING! My kids, especially during the school year are in bed at 8 (or they all were till my 10 yr old wrote a paper for her class and asked for an additional 30 to 60 mins before bedtime so she could have some "me time". So now she goes to bed at 9) and they get up at 630... all of them.. even the one not in school. They get up.. eat and get dressed.. and are out the door by 730. They get home at 230, do homework and then get to change into play clothes and, you guessed it, Play! Summer time means sleeping no later than 9.. everyone gets to pick 1 activity per day and meals are still at normal times but bedtime is backed up to 9 with a proviso for if they want to watch a movie or something. But.. there is always a plan.. there is always a schedule!
2. Give in once in a while. You know what I mean.. your kids are like "Please please please please" and you have held firm in your "NO!" up till now.. but now .. someone has done something awesome and you want to reward them. Of course you know what they want.. they have been begging for weeks.. so.. "SURPRISE!!" that thing I said no to 1000000000 times.. I am now saying YES to! Enjoy it while it lasts.. 'cause baby.. it is not going to last long!
3. Be FIRM, CONSISTENT.. but.. KIND!For me.. being firm keeps you in control. Yesterday at a party, my kids were attacking a friends brother (he was ok with it for a while.. but then he was done) and I walked up.. said "Ok guys, Thats ENOUGH! Lets get of him NOW and go play elsewhere!" All the kids (including about 5 that were not mine) all climbed off him and went and found something else to do. He was like.. "WOW.. you have GOT to teach me that one!" I told him.. "Stick around.. you may learn something!" He swears it's mind control.. I tell him.. Firm.. and consistent. It's a truth! If your kids know what you expect of them and you dont waver in that, they will go out of their way to make you happy. Kids want their parents to be happy because happy parents means more fun for them. A happy parent is more likely to pull a #2 than remind them of #1 where #2 is not in the plan! (reading back that last line didn't sound right in my internal monologue.. but we are all adults here right {bring on the giggles})
So.. if you follow these 3 steps.. you might.. just might.. make it through your kids childhood. I by no means guarantee that you are any closer to surviving teenagers.. but.. from birth to about 12ish (depending on your child) you MIGHT make it through!
There will always be things that work or don't work with your kids. There will always be trial and error with kids. Having kids is a learning process.. one that you both learn from and it can be scary and fun and awesome and awful. These are the things I have learned in nearly 11 years of being a mom and I'm sure that moms that have been at it longer can help you too. Never be afraid to ask another mom what works. You may get a load of garbage.. or you may get that gem of an idea that makes your life sooooo much easier!
Leave me your comments on what works/doesn't work for you and tell me what you would like me to talk about in the next blog. I will be posting a few times a week and really would love some feedback!
Take care, God bless and ttyl!
Katie
I always get that question... I say "Oh I have 4 kids!" They give me this look 0_0 or something similar then they say "OMG How do you do it??!!
I always give the same answer.. I know.. its cute.. you can tell me that later.. but here it is.. "I'll let you know when I figure it out!" I get the obligatory laugh and then we move on.
The truth is.. that is not just a cute answer.. its the TRUTH! I honestly could not tell you other than some basics how I get through each day with 4 kids attached to me for basically 24/7. Any SAHM will tell you that this is a simple truth. It does not matter if you go out without them.. you usually talk about your kids. It does not matter if they are in the same room or not.. you are always surrounded by them, their stuff and their sounds. It gets to you sometimes.. some days you are like... about to pull your hair out and other days you revel in it. You sit there in the pile of laundry and cry.. or you sit back and watch them attempt to drive mario and his friends around a track and dread the day you have to help them to learn to drive! (but you do smile that that day is a VERY long ways away.. or is it 0_0)
There are 3 small things I do every day that help me survive.. with at least partial sanity.. they are:
1. Schedule!! Even if your schedule is to play for 8 hours.. throw them food occasionally and then put them to bed whenever they finally shut down.. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT FROM YOUR DAY!!! That is the point! Even if you know it is going to be one of those endless summer days.. and you have no real plans.. YOU KNOW WHATS HAPPENING! My kids, especially during the school year are in bed at 8 (or they all were till my 10 yr old wrote a paper for her class and asked for an additional 30 to 60 mins before bedtime so she could have some "me time". So now she goes to bed at 9) and they get up at 630... all of them.. even the one not in school. They get up.. eat and get dressed.. and are out the door by 730. They get home at 230, do homework and then get to change into play clothes and, you guessed it, Play! Summer time means sleeping no later than 9.. everyone gets to pick 1 activity per day and meals are still at normal times but bedtime is backed up to 9 with a proviso for if they want to watch a movie or something. But.. there is always a plan.. there is always a schedule!
2. Give in once in a while. You know what I mean.. your kids are like "Please please please please" and you have held firm in your "NO!" up till now.. but now .. someone has done something awesome and you want to reward them. Of course you know what they want.. they have been begging for weeks.. so.. "SURPRISE!!" that thing I said no to 1000000000 times.. I am now saying YES to! Enjoy it while it lasts.. 'cause baby.. it is not going to last long!
3. Be FIRM, CONSISTENT.. but.. KIND!For me.. being firm keeps you in control. Yesterday at a party, my kids were attacking a friends brother (he was ok with it for a while.. but then he was done) and I walked up.. said "Ok guys, Thats ENOUGH! Lets get of him NOW and go play elsewhere!" All the kids (including about 5 that were not mine) all climbed off him and went and found something else to do. He was like.. "WOW.. you have GOT to teach me that one!" I told him.. "Stick around.. you may learn something!" He swears it's mind control.. I tell him.. Firm.. and consistent. It's a truth! If your kids know what you expect of them and you dont waver in that, they will go out of their way to make you happy. Kids want their parents to be happy because happy parents means more fun for them. A happy parent is more likely to pull a #2 than remind them of #1 where #2 is not in the plan! (reading back that last line didn't sound right in my internal monologue.. but we are all adults here right {bring on the giggles})
So.. if you follow these 3 steps.. you might.. just might.. make it through your kids childhood. I by no means guarantee that you are any closer to surviving teenagers.. but.. from birth to about 12ish (depending on your child) you MIGHT make it through!
There will always be things that work or don't work with your kids. There will always be trial and error with kids. Having kids is a learning process.. one that you both learn from and it can be scary and fun and awesome and awful. These are the things I have learned in nearly 11 years of being a mom and I'm sure that moms that have been at it longer can help you too. Never be afraid to ask another mom what works. You may get a load of garbage.. or you may get that gem of an idea that makes your life sooooo much easier!
Leave me your comments on what works/doesn't work for you and tell me what you would like me to talk about in the next blog. I will be posting a few times a week and really would love some feedback!
Take care, God bless and ttyl!
Katie
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